My Relatives

My name’s Jerry Cooper and everybody says I must

be mentally ill when I talk about my relatives.

You see, I married a widow with a grown-up daughter

who then became my stepdaughter. My dad came to visit us,

fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, and then married her.

So my stepdaughter is now my stepmother.
Soon my wife had a son who was, of course,

my dad’s brother-in-law since my son is the half-brother of

my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my dad’s wife.

So as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my dad,

she was at once, my stepmother. Now since my new son

is brother to my stepmother, he also becomes my uncle.
As you know, my wife is my stepgrandmother since

she is my stepmother’s mother. Don’t forget that my

stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too,

that I’m my wife’s grandson. But hold on just a few

minutes more. You see, since I’m married to my

stepgrandmother, I am not only my wife’s grandson

and her husband, but I am also my own grandfather.


我的亲戚们


我的名字叫杰瑞•库柏，大家都说只要我说起我的亲戚们，我就肯定是疯了。

你知道，我娶了个寡妇，她有一个已经成年的女儿，这样她的女儿就成了

我的继女。我爸爸来看望我们，他和我的可爱的继女坠入情网，

然后就娶她为妻。所以我的继女现在就是我的继母。很快我妻子生了个儿子，

当然，因为我儿子是我继女，即我爸爸的妻子，

的同母异父的弟弟，他现在当然就是我爸爸的内弟了。

所以正如我告诉你们的，当我的继女嫁给了我爸爸，她立刻就成了我的继母。

现在由于我新生的儿子是我继母的弟弟，他也就成了我的叔叔。
正如你所知，因为我妻子是我的继母的妈妈，所以她成了我的继外祖母。

别忘了，我的继母又是我的继女。还要记住，我还是我妻子的外孙子。

但是再坚持一小会儿。你知道，由于我娶了我继外祖母，

我不仅是我妻子的外孙子和丈夫，而且我还是我自己的外祖父.

It is so complicated!

Thanks to reading!

A Novel Way to Park
(Originally in English)

There was a young man, a first time driver,

who tried to park a car between two others.

He put the car into reverse and "bang" ran into

the car behind him. And then he put the car back

into forward gear, and "bang" hit his front end into

the car in front of him. And so back and forth he went,

banging both cars each time he went into

reverse or forward. So the woman next to him

couldn't resist asking him, "Do you always

have to use your ears to park?"

"Bang! Bang! Bang!" - parking by ears!

创意停车法

　　一位刚学会开车的年轻人，他想要把车停在两部车中间。

他倒车时，「砰」的一声撞到停在后面的车，然后他往前时，

又「砰」的一声撞到停在前面的车，他就这样在那边前进、后退，

不停地撞到前后的车。坐在他旁边的女士忍不住问他：

「你都是这样靠耳朵听『砰、砰』声来停车的吗？」

Appetizing Math
(Originally in English)

A teacher asked a child, "If your mother cuts two oranges

and two bananas into ten pieces, what will you get?"

And the student said, "Fruit salad!"♥

数学也开胃

老师问一个小孩：「如果你妈妈把两个柳丁和两条香蕉切成十片，

结果是什么？」小孩说：「水果沙拉！」

Just Sitting in for My Brother
(Originally in English)

There was a lady who saw a man begging on the street

with a hat in front of him that said, “Blind: Please help!”

So, she put a dollar in the hat. But the wind was

blowing so quickly that the dollar blew away.

The man stood up and chased after the dollar,

and put it in his pocket. And the lady said,

“It’s written here, ‘Blind man: Please help!’

But you are not blind!” He said, “Yes, that’s not me.

I am not the beggar. It’s my brother.” So she said,

“Then what are you doing here?” He said,

“Well, I am just sitting in for him for a while.”

The lady asked, “And where is your brother now?”

He replied, “Oh, he went to see a movie.”

代班乞丐

有位女士看见一个人在街上乞讨，他的面前摆着一顶帽子，

上面写着：「盲友，请帮忙！」她就把一块钱放进帽子里。

可是一阵强风吹来，把那张一块钱钞票吹走了。

那个人马上站起来去追那一块钱，然后把它放进口袋里。

这位女士说：「这里明明写着：『盲友，请帮忙！』

但你根本不是盲人。」他说：「是啊，我不是，我不是乞丐，

我弟弟才是。」她就说：「那你在这里干什么？」他说：

「嗯，我只是替他代班，在这里坐一下。」这位女士问道：

「那你弟弟现在在哪里？」他回答：「喔！他去看电影了。」

Cowboy
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a bar for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers.
When the cowboy finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, flipped his gun into the air,
caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot
into the ceiling. “Which one of you stole my horse?”
he shouted with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered. He ordered another beer and said,
“Alright, if my horse isn’t back outside by the time
I finish another beer, I’m going to do what I did back home!”
He walked outside, and his horse was there!
He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender walked out of the bar and asked,
“Say, partner, before you go……what happened
back home if your horse was stolen?”
The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

牛仔

一个牛仔骑马进城，停下来走进了一个酒吧。不幸的是当地人有个习惯，
就是爱跟陌生人过不去。这个牛仔喝完酒后发现他的马被偷了。

他回到酒吧，把自己的枪抛向空中，然后连看都没看就从头顶上
把枪抓住，向天花板上放了一枪。他用令人吃惊的声音大喊道：
“你们谁偷了我的马？”
没有人回答。他又要了一杯啤酒说：“好吧。如果我喝完另一杯酒，
我的马还没送回到外边，我可就要干以前我回家干的事了！”
他走出去的时候，他的马已经在那儿了！
他装上马鞍，骑上马出城。酒吧招待走出来问：“嘿，伙计，
你走之前……如果你的马真被偷了，你回家就发生什么了？”
牛仔转回身说：“我就得走回家了。”

The Sandwich Mystery
(Originally in English)

There were three construction workers. One was American,

one was German and one was Irish, and one day they had

lunch together. They opened their lunch boxes, and the

American said, "Oh no, a tomato sandwich again.

Oh my God! I don't understand my wife! I have been

married for 20 years, and every day she gives me a

tomato sandwich for lunch. Tomorrow, if I get one more

tomato sandwich for lunch, I will jump from the fifth

floor! And then the German opened his lunch box and

said, "Oh, no, not again, a cheese sandwich again!

I have been married for 15 years and every day she

gives me a cheese sandwich. If tomorrow I get one

more cheese sandwich from my wife, I will also jump

from the fifth floor and die. And the Irish man also

opened his lunch box, and said, " Oh, no! Today,

a potato sandwich again! OK, if tomorrow, I get one

more potato sandwich, I'll jump from the fifth floor.

I'll jump with you, too.

Then, the next day at their lunch break, they had lunch

together again. And the American opened his lunch box,

and of course, he had a tomato sandwich. So, he

jumped from the fifth floor. The German construction

worker also opened his lunch box, and said, "What?

A cheese sandwich again?" So he jumped, too.

And then the Irish man opened his lunch box,

and saw a potato sandwich. So he also jumped

together with the two other guys.

Then, at the funeral of the three guys, the three wives

met and talked to each other. And the American

wife said, " I don't understand my John, you know,

I mean he was always very good, and he never complained.

He could have told me that he didn't like tomato sandwiches,

and I would have made him anything else! Because the

first day I made one, he said it was fantastic, so I kept

making them. But he could have told me. And the German

wife also said, "I don't understand my Johan. We've been

married for 15 years, and everything was fine and if he

didn't like cheese sandwiches, he could have told me.

I would have made something else at any time.

Why did he have to jump and die like this! I'm very hurt

and surprised." And so the Irish wife said, "Oh, this is

nothing compared to my grief. I don't understand my Jack,

because he made his own lunch sandwich every day!"

三明治传奇
　　有三位建筑工人在一起吃午餐，一位是美国人，一位是德国人，还有一位是爱尔兰人。当他们打开餐盒时，美国人说：「唉呀！怎么又是西红柿三明治！真是的！我真不懂我太太！结婚20年来，她每天都让我吃西红柿三明治当午餐，如果明天还是一样的话，我就从五楼跳下去。」然后那个德国人说：「噢！不会吧！怎么又是奶酪三明治！结婚15年来，我太太每天都让我吃奶酪三明治。如果明天还是一样的话，我也会从五楼跳下去，摔死算了。」接着爱尔兰人也说道：「哦！不会吧！怎么今天又是马铃薯三明治！如果明天还是一样的话，我也会和你们一起从五楼跳下去。」　　第二天中午休息时，他们又在一起吃午餐，美国人打开餐盒，当然又看到西红柿三明治，于是就从五楼跳下去。然后德国人打开餐盒一看，同样又是奶酪三明治，也跟着跳下去。接着爱尔兰人打开餐盒，看到的还是马铃薯三明治，所以他也跟着他们两个人一起跳下去。
　　在他们三个人的葬礼上，三位妻子相遇交谈，美国人的妻子说：「我真不懂我的约翰，他为人一直都非常好，从不抱怨。如果他不喜欢西红柿三明治，大可跟我讲清楚，我就会为他准备别的食物。因为我第一次做西红柿三明治时，他赞不绝口，所以我就继续做下去。如果他不喜欢，应该告诉我呀！」然后德国人的妻子说：「我真不懂我的乔汉，我们结婚15年了，各方面都很美满，如果他不喜欢奶酪三明治，就应该告诉我，我随时都可以帮他变换口味，为什么要想不开跳楼寻死呢？这对我的打击实在太大了！」接着爱尔兰人的妻子说：「和我的不幸相比，你们那些都不算什么！我真不懂我的杰克，因为他的午餐每天都是他自己准备的啊！」

Such A Superior Quality Pajama

Manager: “I can’t do a thing with Jones. I’ve had him in three

departments, and he dozes all day.”
Proprietor: “Put him at the pajama counter, and fasten a card on him

with these words: ‘Our pajamas are of such superior quality

that even the man who sells them can not keep awake.’”

高质量睡衣


部门经理：“我对琼斯没一点办法了。我给他安排了三个部门了，他成天都在打瞌睡。”
老板：“把他安排到睡衣柜台去。给他挂张卡片写上：‘我们的睡衣质量如此之高，甚至连卖它们的人都睡不醒。’”

A Thoughtful Gift
(Originally in English)

A man went to Africa on a tour, and decided to buy

a present for his friend in America. But everything

was too expensive for him, just like at every tourist spot.

So he bought a broken vase that cost almost nothing.

He gave the address of his friend in America to

the shopkeeper and asked the shop to wrap the vase

and send it to that address.

He thought that his friend might think that the vase was

broken in the mail and would not blame him for being stingy.

When he got home, he received a thank-you

letter from his friend. The letter said: "Thank you very

much for the broken vase. It was very thoughtful of you

to wrap every broken piece in a sheet of paper."

好周到的礼物

    有一个人去非洲旅游，他想买件礼物送给在美国的朋友，但是就像所有的观光景点一样，那里每一样东西都卖得很贵。最后他决定买了一个不值钱的破碎花瓶，然后他把美国朋友的地址写给店主，请他把花瓶包好，寄到那个地址。他心想那位朋友可能会以为花瓶是在邮寄途中被弄破的，就不会嫌他小气。回家以后，他收到朋友的感谢函，信上写道：「非常感谢你送我一个破花瓶，而且还把每个碎片分别用纸包起来，真是设想周到！」